First let me say that I *cannot* believe that we are already seven weeks into 2012. Crazy how fast time goes. Life got very crazy with illness and I've not been nearly as disciplined with my goals as I would have liked. However I know that there is no time like the present to restart and so I'm going to renew my dedication to doing just that :)
1. Make a budget every month
-We still have not made a February budget :-( We've been flying by the seat of our pants on this one.
2. Attend 13 weeks of FPU classes
-The class that we were enrolled in ended up being a conflicting time that wouldn't work for us so we have to find a new one.
3. Get a job
-I have made progress on this! Some of it I'm not ready to share yet but it's good stuff *squee*
4. Read 100 books
-I'm done eight books so far. I have a LOT of them on the go though so I need to get on the ball and finish some of those.
5. Go on at least two dates per month with James
-So far we havn't made it past the first date (mostly because of illness). Need to add this to this weeks priority list!
6. Organize each room in my house
-We moved a whole bunch of stuff into the house from the old house so I need to get those boxes unpacked ASAP!
7. Complete The Love Dare
-We are going to restart this, this time together <3
8. Get rid of all remaining TAPS inventory
-This goal is actually going to change. More on this coming soon ;-)
9. Send out cards and letters on a regular basis
-Still havn't done this.
10. Get all three boys sleeping in their own beds and the two little ones out of diapers
-Big boys in their own bed we are still making progress on. Diapers not so much.
11. Complete C25K and the Walk With Leslie program
-I didn't do any of this this week :-(
12. Read through the bible
-I have finished Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and I'm done the first 18 chapters of Joshua.
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A Year of Pain and Loss
On this, the last day of 2011, I find myself thinking back over the events and emotions of the whole year. Unfortunately if I had to sum up the year it would be a year of pain and of loss. Not all of the year was negative of course, but the recurring theme was loss and the pain that comes with it.
As I face the new year I have decided that after spending the better part of the year avoiding the emotions of the last year, as they threatened to overwhelm me if I looked them in the face, that I would give myself permission to vent and let some of those feelings come up and hopefully be released so that I can carry less of the weight into 2012.
I came into 2011 saddled with the weight of postpartum depression and was still finding my footing after a legal separation from my husband a few months before. To say I was emotionally fragile would likely be true although I was doing my very best to refind myself and rebuild myself.
I can't promise this blog post will make sense, and I'm sure it will be long, and I've chosen to divide it by the various events or people that were major points in this year. They may or may not be in chronological order.
Grandpa
One of the greatest losses of my whole life. On the last Monday in March a part of my world went dark when I found out that you had died. A heart attack. Of course. Although, I say of course but I think those of us who loved you thought that after multiple heart attacks, more than one heart surgery (including quadruple bypass surgery over twenty years earlier), a major stroke, and a TIA, that you would just keep on surviving forever. It was unimaginable that the man who was so full of life and right down on the floor playing with my three babies on Sunday night could possibly be dead Monday at lunchtime. Thank you for loving me so completely. Thank you for your physical and emotional support my whole life. Thank you for stepping up to be a father figure to me as well as a grandfather. Thank you for loving my own babies and being so much more involved in their lives than most great grandparents ever get to be. When I woke up on the morning after your death I couldn't believe the world kept on going without you in it. I couldn't believe I could still breathe, and yet even now, nine months later, somehow I am. You've left a hole that will never be filled. I love you.
Love, Your Girl
Poppa
I'll never understand how it is fair that I had to endure the loss of both of my beloved grandfathers within such a short period of time. One thing your deaths coming so close together showed me was the stark difference between losing someone you love unexpectedly and never getting a chance to say goodbye but also never having to see them suffer vs watching them slowly die over days and having time to say goodbye but also having to know that they are in pain. I am grateful that I got to help you in your journey towards death as much as it broke my heart to know you were going there. Holding your hand and getting to tell you how I felt about you in the dark as I held your hand and said goodbye to you and getting to share what would ultimately be some of your last lucid moments before your death will always stay with me. Thank you for unconditionally loving me. For loving me even though I wasn't your blood and never ever ever making me feel anything less than your granddaughter through and through. I am so glad my oldest son shares your name and that of the other giant man in my heart that I lost this year. I hope he carries the best of both of you and indeed if he does he will be unstoppable.
Love, One of your Sweethearts
aka January
My friend, my love, my soul sister. I grieve for the loss of our connection. The loss of what we were. What I never thought could be lost has fractured and it still leaves gaping open in parts. I never ever thought there would be a time when something major in my life would happen and you wouldn't be one of the first to be at my side even if only in spirit. I wish you well. I wish that I could figure out how the wheels went so horribly wrong or indeed if they ever were on right to begin with.
Love, Me
Malachi
My sweet sweet baby it is unthinkable to me how close we came to losing you this year. Thinking back to those days when you couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't even be touched without your oxygen saturations plummeting. I am so very grateful that I got to keep you. So very grateful that although I lived my life in fear for you a great deal of this year that you are growing and thriving and are still with me every day. I love you so completely my sweet boy.
Love, Mama
Maddie Rose
Oh sweet girl. How loved you were and are by so many people. You were so precious and tiny. You changed lives baby girl in the very short time we got to share this earth. I grieve for your Daddy, my love for him stemming for my love for your Auntie and the bond we share in loving our baby brothers. To watch him lose his baby girl was heartbreaking. I grieve still for the loss that was you for him and for your Mama, for your Auntie and Uncle, for your Nanny and Papa, for your cousins, and indeed for everyone who loved you. For all of us who still love you. Fly high baby girl.
Love, Alison
Baby G
You were the baby I didn't know I wanted. Indeed, learning of you was a loss of it's own as I grieved the loss of my own plans and control over them. Your Daddy and I quickly grieved our loss and adjusted our plans and indeed made new wonderful plans. We wanted you very much. The physical toll that losing you took on my body was nothing compared to the emotional void that came with losing the reality of another precious baby. Another miscarriage. Bleeding not only from my womb but from my very soul. Tears that could have filled a river. I am sorry my body couldn't protect you. I pray you are safe with Jesus and I am glad there is no pain for you.
Love, Mama
Jonathan
Your Mama and I know each other only online. I prayed hard for her and for you during your journey together. Christmas eve was heavy this year with the knowledge that your pain was going to be over but that it came with the price of your leaving this earth far too soon. You touched so many lives sweet boy and you continue to do so. You were such a beautiful boy.
May your peace be deep, TM
James
This year was a year of rebuilding for us. From our refirst date on Valentine's Day we began to rebuild our relationship and indeed succeeded to a level you and I had never achieved together before. How unfair it seems that at the pinnacle of our healing, as we were reaching such a good place both individually and as a couple that the demon that is stroke had to take a chunk of you from us. Living apart for three months and being torn from hospital to our babies at home was an agony that I never want to endure again. You have made such strides my love and I pray you continue to do so. I am angry at the things the stroke took and still has taken from us. It, like so many things this year, was not fair. But then, as we both know, life isn't meant to be fair. It's meant to be lived. I love you.
Love, Ali
2011 was a year of pain and loss, pain and loss, pain and loss. And yet, in the midst of all of that it was also a year for me of growth. I have grown in myself, in my relationships, and in my faith. 2012 looms large on the horizon and I have no idea what is in store for the next year but I have faith that my God is big enough to carry me if I can't walk on my own. I have my faith, my Love, my kids, my family and my friends. Here we go. I'm going to make it great.
A
As I face the new year I have decided that after spending the better part of the year avoiding the emotions of the last year, as they threatened to overwhelm me if I looked them in the face, that I would give myself permission to vent and let some of those feelings come up and hopefully be released so that I can carry less of the weight into 2012.
I came into 2011 saddled with the weight of postpartum depression and was still finding my footing after a legal separation from my husband a few months before. To say I was emotionally fragile would likely be true although I was doing my very best to refind myself and rebuild myself.
I can't promise this blog post will make sense, and I'm sure it will be long, and I've chosen to divide it by the various events or people that were major points in this year. They may or may not be in chronological order.
Grandpa
One of the greatest losses of my whole life. On the last Monday in March a part of my world went dark when I found out that you had died. A heart attack. Of course. Although, I say of course but I think those of us who loved you thought that after multiple heart attacks, more than one heart surgery (including quadruple bypass surgery over twenty years earlier), a major stroke, and a TIA, that you would just keep on surviving forever. It was unimaginable that the man who was so full of life and right down on the floor playing with my three babies on Sunday night could possibly be dead Monday at lunchtime. Thank you for loving me so completely. Thank you for your physical and emotional support my whole life. Thank you for stepping up to be a father figure to me as well as a grandfather. Thank you for loving my own babies and being so much more involved in their lives than most great grandparents ever get to be. When I woke up on the morning after your death I couldn't believe the world kept on going without you in it. I couldn't believe I could still breathe, and yet even now, nine months later, somehow I am. You've left a hole that will never be filled. I love you.
Love, Your Girl
Poppa
I'll never understand how it is fair that I had to endure the loss of both of my beloved grandfathers within such a short period of time. One thing your deaths coming so close together showed me was the stark difference between losing someone you love unexpectedly and never getting a chance to say goodbye but also never having to see them suffer vs watching them slowly die over days and having time to say goodbye but also having to know that they are in pain. I am grateful that I got to help you in your journey towards death as much as it broke my heart to know you were going there. Holding your hand and getting to tell you how I felt about you in the dark as I held your hand and said goodbye to you and getting to share what would ultimately be some of your last lucid moments before your death will always stay with me. Thank you for unconditionally loving me. For loving me even though I wasn't your blood and never ever ever making me feel anything less than your granddaughter through and through. I am so glad my oldest son shares your name and that of the other giant man in my heart that I lost this year. I hope he carries the best of both of you and indeed if he does he will be unstoppable.
Love, One of your Sweethearts
aka January
My friend, my love, my soul sister. I grieve for the loss of our connection. The loss of what we were. What I never thought could be lost has fractured and it still leaves gaping open in parts. I never ever thought there would be a time when something major in my life would happen and you wouldn't be one of the first to be at my side even if only in spirit. I wish you well. I wish that I could figure out how the wheels went so horribly wrong or indeed if they ever were on right to begin with.
Love, Me
Malachi
My sweet sweet baby it is unthinkable to me how close we came to losing you this year. Thinking back to those days when you couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't even be touched without your oxygen saturations plummeting. I am so very grateful that I got to keep you. So very grateful that although I lived my life in fear for you a great deal of this year that you are growing and thriving and are still with me every day. I love you so completely my sweet boy.
Love, Mama
Maddie Rose
Oh sweet girl. How loved you were and are by so many people. You were so precious and tiny. You changed lives baby girl in the very short time we got to share this earth. I grieve for your Daddy, my love for him stemming for my love for your Auntie and the bond we share in loving our baby brothers. To watch him lose his baby girl was heartbreaking. I grieve still for the loss that was you for him and for your Mama, for your Auntie and Uncle, for your Nanny and Papa, for your cousins, and indeed for everyone who loved you. For all of us who still love you. Fly high baby girl.
Love, Alison
Baby G
You were the baby I didn't know I wanted. Indeed, learning of you was a loss of it's own as I grieved the loss of my own plans and control over them. Your Daddy and I quickly grieved our loss and adjusted our plans and indeed made new wonderful plans. We wanted you very much. The physical toll that losing you took on my body was nothing compared to the emotional void that came with losing the reality of another precious baby. Another miscarriage. Bleeding not only from my womb but from my very soul. Tears that could have filled a river. I am sorry my body couldn't protect you. I pray you are safe with Jesus and I am glad there is no pain for you.
Love, Mama
Jonathan
Your Mama and I know each other only online. I prayed hard for her and for you during your journey together. Christmas eve was heavy this year with the knowledge that your pain was going to be over but that it came with the price of your leaving this earth far too soon. You touched so many lives sweet boy and you continue to do so. You were such a beautiful boy.
May your peace be deep, TM
James
This year was a year of rebuilding for us. From our refirst date on Valentine's Day we began to rebuild our relationship and indeed succeeded to a level you and I had never achieved together before. How unfair it seems that at the pinnacle of our healing, as we were reaching such a good place both individually and as a couple that the demon that is stroke had to take a chunk of you from us. Living apart for three months and being torn from hospital to our babies at home was an agony that I never want to endure again. You have made such strides my love and I pray you continue to do so. I am angry at the things the stroke took and still has taken from us. It, like so many things this year, was not fair. But then, as we both know, life isn't meant to be fair. It's meant to be lived. I love you.
Love, Ali
2011 was a year of pain and loss, pain and loss, pain and loss. And yet, in the midst of all of that it was also a year for me of growth. I have grown in myself, in my relationships, and in my faith. 2012 looms large on the horizon and I have no idea what is in store for the next year but I have faith that my God is big enough to carry me if I can't walk on my own. I have my faith, my Love, my kids, my family and my friends. Here we go. I'm going to make it great.
A
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Helping Hands
This is a difficult blog post for me to write. I am someone who is not good at asking for help. I'm not even really good at letting people know how they can help. It has been pointed out to me that I should be asking for help, as hard as that is... and there are people who have said that they would help us right now only they don't know how.
Mostly what we need right now is practical help. I'm overwhelmed at times with the constant chaos that is my life. Taking care of the three boys, being at the hospital with James (which I'm not able to do as much as they'd like me to because I have the boys with me), keeping up with the housework, packing up the house, etc etc etc. Plus taking care of myself, which falls to the bottom of the priority list and often doesn't get done.
Help could look like a number of things and since I've been asked I'm going to put some of them out there:
*spending time playing with the boys in the park next to our house so I can get stuff done without them underfoot
*coming and chatting with me and keeping the boys occupied while I get things done
*taking the kids away (even just for a short time) so I can get a quick nap in or finish things that need doing
*dropping off a meal that I can pop in the oven for us to eat (you could even join us if you'd like!)
*calling to check in on the phone and just listen, even if that means I cry or vent a lot
*picking up an extra bag of milk (I can even provide gift cards for stores so it isn't out of pocket) and dropping it off... we go through a TON of whole milk here since M drinks it and I can't ever seem to keep up with it
*running errands with me so that I have an extra set of hands (when all five of us go it involves me both pushing James' wheelchair and pulling the cart behind us)
*taking boxes of stuff I pack to get rid of and dropping them off at Value Village (or really anywhere else that will take them, I'm not picky)
I can see how helping us could seem overwhelming. There is just so much that could be done. Really small things really make a huge difference though. There may even be ways that you could help that I haven't even thought of. One of my dear family members has offered to come over and help me put my garbage out every Thursday. It won't take long but it is hard for me to fit into the million other things that take up my time on Thursdays and sometimes the garbage just doesn't get put out (which means I have another two bags that have to wait until the next week). It's a very large blessing for us that she offered to do that. Now I know that it will get done.
Thank you for all of the help that has already been given to us over the last two months. It really, truly is appreciated.
Mostly what we need right now is practical help. I'm overwhelmed at times with the constant chaos that is my life. Taking care of the three boys, being at the hospital with James (which I'm not able to do as much as they'd like me to because I have the boys with me), keeping up with the housework, packing up the house, etc etc etc. Plus taking care of myself, which falls to the bottom of the priority list and often doesn't get done.
Help could look like a number of things and since I've been asked I'm going to put some of them out there:
*spending time playing with the boys in the park next to our house so I can get stuff done without them underfoot
*coming and chatting with me and keeping the boys occupied while I get things done
*taking the kids away (even just for a short time) so I can get a quick nap in or finish things that need doing
*dropping off a meal that I can pop in the oven for us to eat (you could even join us if you'd like!)
*calling to check in on the phone and just listen, even if that means I cry or vent a lot
*picking up an extra bag of milk (I can even provide gift cards for stores so it isn't out of pocket) and dropping it off... we go through a TON of whole milk here since M drinks it and I can't ever seem to keep up with it
*running errands with me so that I have an extra set of hands (when all five of us go it involves me both pushing James' wheelchair and pulling the cart behind us)
*taking boxes of stuff I pack to get rid of and dropping them off at Value Village (or really anywhere else that will take them, I'm not picky)
I can see how helping us could seem overwhelming. There is just so much that could be done. Really small things really make a huge difference though. There may even be ways that you could help that I haven't even thought of. One of my dear family members has offered to come over and help me put my garbage out every Thursday. It won't take long but it is hard for me to fit into the million other things that take up my time on Thursdays and sometimes the garbage just doesn't get put out (which means I have another two bags that have to wait until the next week). It's a very large blessing for us that she offered to do that. Now I know that it will get done.
Thank you for all of the help that has already been given to us over the last two months. It really, truly is appreciated.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sick As a Dog
I'm not really sure what this phrase was meant to refer to, but I'm pretty sure that after tonight I know what it means to me. Tonight I was sick. I should back up.
Today was a crazy, busy, full day. By the time supper time was looming the boys and I had been inside together all day and they were itching to go somewhere "fun". I called up my Aunt and she welcomed us to come and visit at her house. The boys love this. She has a castle toy that is legendary. They are obsessed with it.
So we packed up and were on our way. We only made it part way when all of a sudden the low grade nausea that is my constant companion these days turned into raging nausea and massive pain. I pulled over and ended up throwing up on the side of the road. I am pretty sure I was in my own version of hell at that moment. Side of the road, in the dark, my babies in the van, throwing up. Then having to drag myself back to my van to get them home when the pain was threatening to split me in half. Not fun.
To make matters worse, when my babies realized I was going to have to break our plans and retreat back home they were, understandably, very upset. I felt like mother of the year for sure :-(
A few hours and some pain medication and nausea medication later I'm feeling at least human enough to be able to function. The kids are asleep and I'm here left with my thoughts. This being the only adult at home thing is rough. I feel like I'm not enough for everyone. I'm abusing my body by taxing it right the hell out with no sleep, lots of stress, and not the amount of good food it really would like.
*deep breath*
Tomorrow is a new day. A day where hopefully I will not feel like I did tonight. I will pray and hope and sleep.
A
Today was a crazy, busy, full day. By the time supper time was looming the boys and I had been inside together all day and they were itching to go somewhere "fun". I called up my Aunt and she welcomed us to come and visit at her house. The boys love this. She has a castle toy that is legendary. They are obsessed with it.
So we packed up and were on our way. We only made it part way when all of a sudden the low grade nausea that is my constant companion these days turned into raging nausea and massive pain. I pulled over and ended up throwing up on the side of the road. I am pretty sure I was in my own version of hell at that moment. Side of the road, in the dark, my babies in the van, throwing up. Then having to drag myself back to my van to get them home when the pain was threatening to split me in half. Not fun.
To make matters worse, when my babies realized I was going to have to break our plans and retreat back home they were, understandably, very upset. I felt like mother of the year for sure :-(
A few hours and some pain medication and nausea medication later I'm feeling at least human enough to be able to function. The kids are asleep and I'm here left with my thoughts. This being the only adult at home thing is rough. I feel like I'm not enough for everyone. I'm abusing my body by taxing it right the hell out with no sleep, lots of stress, and not the amount of good food it really would like.
*deep breath*
Tomorrow is a new day. A day where hopefully I will not feel like I did tonight. I will pray and hope and sleep.
A
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