Monday, October 15, 2012
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
I remember the times that the pregnancy tests turned positive... the joy, the elation, the fear, the disappointment, the ups and downs. 11 sets of pregnancy tests.
I remember how I felt when I looked down at that positive test the very first time. I was 17 years old. I was taking all precautions and we'd talked through how we felt. I was sure I knew how I would feel. I was wrong. That positive test changed everything for me. I sobbed and sobbed and threw up and sobbed some more. I had twelve roller coaster days of emotion. Twelve days. At the time it stretched out and each day seemed a lifetime. And then it was over. I was bleeding and losing something I had been sure before it all happened that I didn't even want. I felt empty and broken and alone in grief. I was not grateful. I was hurting. I was not relieved. I was broken. I was not comforted by those who told me I was young and it was for the best. I was angry.
Everything about my pregnancies has shaped who I am and how I react to situations. Three times I've carried beautiful babies to term. Eight more times I've had my body fail me. My babies lost.
I am lucky enough to be able to share my stories with some people in my life. I'm lucky enough when I see a positive test to be able to share it with some of those who love me. Sadly there are those people in my life who I am always hesitant to share the news with. When I've been pregnant I want to celebrate that for as long as I get to. When a woman has a miscarriage the last thing you should say is that it is for the best and yet too many times that's exactly what I've heard. I've heard a variety of reasons why it's best that I not have that baby. It was never for the best. Two out of three of my living children came at so called bad times. I would not trade them for the world and they are WORTH it. Today in this day of remembrance I will talk about my babies with those who will listen. J and I will remember together. We will light candles with the kids later tonight again.
Today is a day of remembrance. I remember my babies and I remember the babies of my friends and family who didn't get to stay with us. I remember and I grieve with you all. I will never forget.